Friday

Today is Friday. YOU SHOULD NOT GO OUTSIDE!

  1. With the windy weather of late and fewer people in the streets to pick up wheely bins that have fallen over, the government have declared that all litter that is blowing around the streets is now to be referred to as street confetti.
  2. Today, using a combination of Google Maps, Wikipedia and the BBC News website as random information generators find someone to write a letter to and try to establish a new pen pal. Top tip: don’t start the letter with, “Dear stranger, I know where you live…”
  3. At 8:00pm this evening, stand at your front door and think about the #BlackLivesMatter movement and consider how you can practically support it.

The longest grammatically correct sentence in English that can be made using the same word is ‘Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo’. #funFacts

Wednesday

Today is Wednesday. YOU SHOULD NOT GO OUTSIDE!

  1. Like someone bored watching a long movie and skipping to the end of the DVD, the government has decided that this lockdown nonsense has been going on too long and are fast-forwarding through various stages of the story arc: anxiety of the call, mentor’s aid and through the threshold, jumping straight to new world. Unfortunately, this new world also has a coronavirus pandemic. And sadly, like a game of snakes and ladders after we slither back down to the start, a new call to action will be issued shortly once the graph peaks again. Urgh!
  2. Today, why not befriend some yoghurt?
  3. At 8:00pm this evening stand at your front door and have a word with yourself. That word is ‘resurrection’.

Your gut feeling is probably right.

Tuesday

Today is Tuesday. YOU SHOULD NOT GO OUTSIDE!

  1. The government has added horse racing to the list of essential businesses.
  2. Today, why not create your own live-action role playing game. You must include these three rules: Rule #4 Stand as far away as possible from members of other households. Rule #11 Do not go to the beach. Rule #45 Use “unqualified” people.
  3. At 8:00pm this evening, please stand at your front door and sing all three verses of the UK National Anthem.

What are you really thinking about just now? Incorporate. #obliqueStrategies

Monday

Today is Monday. YOU SHOULD NOT GO OUTSIDE!

  1. The government are currently using a deck of Oblique Strategies cards to determine the policy for emerging from the pandemic [during the pandemic, while the UK still has the highest infection rate in Europe]. Recent cards that have dictated policy have included, ‘What would your closest friend do?’, ‘What to increase? What to reduce?’ and ‘Try faking it!’
  2. Today, why not gather together all the milk-based products in your home, invite someone to look at them, then say “You past your eyes across my milk-based products… geddit pasteurise?”. Then enjoy the pun-induced groans.
  3. At 8:00pm this evening, stand and your front door and try to remember what a squirrel looks like.

Discover the recipes you are using and abandon them.

Sunday

Today is Sunday. YOU SHOULD NOT GO OUTSIDE!

  1. Social distancing: a practical guide to how to socialise now… seriously, don’t be a numpty and stay at home as much as possible until the science tells us that it is safe to go out again. If there is a second peak and I have to keep writing this nonsense for another two months I’m not going to be happy.
  2. Today, why not gather together all the house spiders you can find and create a little amusement park for them in a wellington boot.
  3. At 8:00pm this evening please stand on your doorstep and hum the theme tune to your favourite 1980s TV show.

A blue whale’s heart is about the size of a small piano and can be heard around two miles away. #funFacts