Sunday

Today is Sunday. YOU SHOULD NOT GO OUTSIDE!

For the last 76 days, I’ve been writing my own flavour of random nonsense on this blog while Scotland has been locked down thanks to the global coronavirus pandemic.

Today is the first day that Scotland has had no new deaths. That seems like a significant moment to review things.

One of the most helpful things that someone said, early into the UK lockdown, was: you are not just working from home—you are at home, during a crisis, trying to work. I found that change in focus to be helpful.

But I have still managed to overdo things. Today, I feel exhausted—mentally, physically, emotionally. The world is in turmoil just now, not just due to the pandemic but civil unrest due to police brutality and systemic injustice due to the way that black, Asian and other ethnic groups have been treated for hundreds of years. To be honest, I am currently finding it hard to remain positive and lighthearted in the face of such violence and injustice. Black lives matter.

So, I am taking a break.

I will probably write this and post it tomorrow.

Depending on how the pandemic goes, if there is a second wave then I may be back. I hope there won’t. I hope that people can remain patient and disciplined, keep washing your hands, keep taking your vitamin D, and blood pressure tablets and whatever else is advised to stop the spread, protect the NHS and save lives.

In the meantime, if you still want some daily advice, just revisit the archives. I purposefully named the posts after the days of the week.

Love and blessings

G x

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Friday

Today is Friday. YOU SHOULD NOT GO OUTSIDE!

  1. With the windy weather of late and fewer people in the streets to pick up wheely bins that have fallen over, the government have declared that all litter that is blowing around the streets is now to be referred to as street confetti.
  2. Today, using a combination of Google Maps, Wikipedia and the BBC News website as random information generators find someone to write a letter to and try to establish a new pen pal. Top tip: don’t start the letter with, “Dear stranger, I know where you live…”
  3. At 8:00pm this evening, stand at your front door and think about the #BlackLivesMatter movement and consider how you can practically support it.

The longest grammatically correct sentence in English that can be made using the same word is ‘Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo’. #funFacts

Wednesday

Today is Wednesday. YOU SHOULD NOT GO OUTSIDE!

  1. Like someone bored watching a long movie and skipping to the end of the DVD, the government has decided that this lockdown nonsense has been going on too long and are fast-forwarding through various stages of the story arc: anxiety of the call, mentor’s aid and through the threshold, jumping straight to new world. Unfortunately, this new world also has a coronavirus pandemic. And sadly, like a game of snakes and ladders after we slither back down to the start, a new call to action will be issued shortly once the graph peaks again. Urgh!
  2. Today, why not befriend some yoghurt?
  3. At 8:00pm this evening stand at your front door and have a word with yourself. That word is ‘resurrection’.

Your gut feeling is probably right.

Tuesday

Today is Tuesday. YOU SHOULD NOT GO OUTSIDE!

  1. The government has added horse racing to the list of essential businesses.
  2. Today, why not create your own live-action role playing game. You must include these three rules: Rule #4 Stand as far away as possible from members of other households. Rule #11 Do not go to the beach. Rule #45 Use “unqualified” people.
  3. At 8:00pm this evening, please stand at your front door and sing all three verses of the UK National Anthem.

What are you really thinking about just now? Incorporate. #obliqueStrategies

Monday

Today is Monday. YOU SHOULD NOT GO OUTSIDE!

  1. The government are currently using a deck of Oblique Strategies cards to determine the policy for emerging from the pandemic [during the pandemic, while the UK still has the highest infection rate in Europe]. Recent cards that have dictated policy have included, ‘What would your closest friend do?’, ‘What to increase? What to reduce?’ and ‘Try faking it!’
  2. Today, why not gather together all the milk-based products in your home, invite someone to look at them, then say “You past your eyes across my milk-based products… geddit pasteurise?”. Then enjoy the pun-induced groans.
  3. At 8:00pm this evening, stand and your front door and try to remember what a squirrel looks like.

Discover the recipes you are using and abandon them.

Sunday

Today is Sunday. YOU SHOULD NOT GO OUTSIDE!

  1. Social distancing: a practical guide to how to socialise now… seriously, don’t be a numpty and stay at home as much as possible until the science tells us that it is safe to go out again. If there is a second peak and I have to keep writing this nonsense for another two months I’m not going to be happy.
  2. Today, why not gather together all the house spiders you can find and create a little amusement park for them in a wellington boot.
  3. At 8:00pm this evening please stand on your doorstep and hum the theme tune to your favourite 1980s TV show.

A blue whale’s heart is about the size of a small piano and can be heard around two miles away. #funFacts

Saturday

Today is Saturday. YOU MUST NOT GO OUTSIDE!

We interrupt this broadcast for something a little more genuine…

For the last 69 days, I have written this utter nonsense during the UK coronavirus lockdown in order to amuse myself and others. Originally, I was sending text messages to my friend Chris who was struggling a bit with the lockdown. But I then decided to capture them for posterity in a blog and share them with the wider world.

In the UK, the curve is flattening, the lockdown is beginning to ease, but the number of cases and deaths are still worryingly high. We must remain patient.

A day after restrictions lifted a little in Scotland, rather than my usual randomness, today I want to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who has supported and encouraged me during the lockdown.

Sandra has been a ray of sunshine in my life since we met online last month. As a friend said to me, “Only you could meet someone and fall in love during a global pandemic lockdown!”

My children have been bundles of joy and energy and creative silliness.

My National Youth Choir of Great Britain alumni family have been the rocks and encouragements that they have always been my whole life. We have kept each other going, we have laughed and cried together, and our fortnightly pub quiz has been an unexpected source of joy and company.

And then there have been others: Aaron’s encouraging messages, Kate AG’s daily rainbows on Twitter, David’s videos from South Africa, and of course my biological family, my siblings and mum.

This has been an unprecedented event—the worst environmental crisis in our lifetime. I hope it’s the last.

Stay safe, stay at home, protect the NHS and remember: YOU MUST NOT GO OUTSIDE!

Now, go and stand at your front door and clap and shout the names of everyone who has supported you these last few months. It’s not over yet but together we can do this. We have to. I want to meet Sandra as soon as is humanly possible!

I love you all! Blessings G x

Friday

Today is Friday. YOU MUST NOT* GO OUTSIDE‽

* Except for viewers in Scotland

  1. Starting today, the Scottish government has begun to ease lockdown restrictions after 66 days. People from two households, in groups of no more than eight people, may now meet in a public space if they maintain a distance of at least one eightsome reel. That definitely means The Broons are going to have to split up when they go out and the Bash Street Kids are going to have to stagger their class reunion. Other restrictions include only 1 litre of Irn Bru to be consumed in a park by any family, and scotch eggs are to be considered an abomination—not because of the lockdown, they just are!
  2. Today, why not strip down an old kitchen appliance and turn it into a novelty lamp?
  3. At 8:00pm this evening please stand at your front door and honk and screech like an old 56k dial-up modem, closing with the familiar “BONG BONG!” before announcing, “Error 404 Page Not Found”.

The interrobang (‽), often written as ?!, !?, ?!? or !?!, is a non-standard punctuation mark that combines both the function of the question mark and the exclamation mark. Does it though?! #funFacts #interrobang